11 June 2015

When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth: Carnosaur Trilogy - Part II and III

First: This heart warming and harrowing trailer for Carnosaur 2 Ha!

In the words of the AVGN:
"Oh yeah 'Back for another bite' alright...
of the shit sandwich!"
After Jurassic Park came the ripoffs in order to try and cash in and make a buck. This 1995 sequel attempts to tie into the original storyline.
All's quiet at the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste facility until one night a Velociraptor wanders into the mess hall and makes a mess out of the hall and slaughters the staff (they had to follow Jurassic Park Protocol; Raptors were 'In', Deinonychus were so last year).

A ragtag repair crew is called into the repository after losing contact with the facility (hmm sounds familiar). This time however they are going in with douchey Company Man Major Tom McQuadeas a leader of the operation, complete with his lame looking vest (now where have I seen that before...?)

"Hey don't blame me it was the 80's!"
The enter the dead facility and find it completely torn to shreds and no sign of the crew or workers. They happen upon a lone survivor, a kid. Shellshocked beyond belief indicating some fucked up shit happened.

whoops wrong kid

Then later, dinosaurs happen and all hell breaks loose. We find out the facility somehow housed some of the eggs made by resident cuckoo Dr. Jane Tiptree (the dino-planetarian from the first film) and everyone forgot about them until it was too late. Raptors go boom. Everyone dies. Except for the kid and our hero of the movie. End of ripoff.

That look you get when you realize...
you're going to have to try to live through the rest of this Aliens ripoff...
standing next to this guy

Drive in Totals
-24 dead bodies

-Flare gun-fu
-Arm-wrenching terror
-Dynamite Dino Deterrent
-Another forklift vs T-Rex showdown... again ripped straight from Aliens... complete with being shoved down an elevator shaft

** stars for being a brazen Aliens ripoff and not even a good one
Roll it:

Part III Primal Species is by far the absolute worst of them all. Not enough good enough to warrant me putting in the effort of giving it it's own entry. Terrorists thinking they're stealing a truckload of uranium are surprised as fuck to find the last 3 living dinosaurs in existence. Again, all sorts of dinosaurian hell break loose. The dinos eat a few heads and rip a few limbs before it all goes boom once more.

By the 3rd movie we're on the rate of most SyFy movies these days. Kills are quick and messy done in a photo negative effect to show the Velciraptors POV wear out by the end of the 3rd attack. Theres lots of dramatic splashing and squirting of fake blood (in nice neat little sprays at that), that look a little too perfect. In the thrilling conclusion the T-rex pins our intrepid heroes in a shipping container as time is ticking out before on the ship's self destruct before a well-timed explosive down the throat a la Jaws puts him back on the extinct list. The dinosaurs look rubbery and fake as hell, which normally wouldn't be such a bad thing but the end of the series it's almost like they don't even care.
Yeah even the T-Rex is questioning his casting choice in this movie
Drive in totals:

*1/2 stars
-23 Dead bodies
-um... yeah i got nothing else... this one is bad

Roll it

...but they didn't stop there. No no, they went on and did a 4th movie entitled Raptor that went into even deeper obscurity after it's release... it's bad when you ripoff the ripoff for another ripoff... even reusing the artwork

Have I seen it or bother trying to track it down to review? Hell no. I could only find it in French on YouTube. The trailer shows so much footage from the original movies it's just horrible

So with these new-age gems out of the way... time for something a bit older and a bit more entertaining. Cheers all. Until next time.

10 June 2015

When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth: The Carnosaur Trilogy - Part 1

This is a prime example of just missing the mark. The original came out just before Jurassic Park but because it failed to hit anywhere close to where it wanted to, it lapsed into obscurity. The first movie takes place in the southwest, in Climax, Nevada which must be next door neighbors to Perfection, Nevada (home of the Tremors Graboids) with a security guard with a drinking problem named Doc. He serves as night watchmen to protect digging equipment from the local Greenpeace hippies who oppose his employer's digging. One night some activists chain themselves to the equipment only to be eviscerated alive by a Deinonychus (before the whole Raptor craze took off) who has been eating travelers and motorists around town.
Meanwhile an evil mad scientist Dr. Jane Tiptree reveals how she has unleashed a virus on the unsuspecting townspeople and how she intends to let the dinosaurs rightfully reclaim the earth... I know just a little uh... *slow circle around the head whistling* and her genetic mutation of the egg-loving populace has impregnated every woman with a baby dinosaur... don't ask, not biologically possible. In the end, our guard has to wrassle a T-rex using a front end loader in the thrilling climax... shades of Aliens...

After a swift delivered one liner and a coup de grace the hero and heroine are safe. That is until bleak and dismal conclusion with the ever popular government cleanup and coverup at the end of a flamethrower... much like poor Ben's fate in the end of Night of the Living Dead.

Drive in totals:
-18 dead bodies

-Live dino births and one literal breech birth
-Sheriff Shotgun-fu
-Bobcat vs T-Rex-fu
-Laser hand trap
-Famous last words to a Deinonychus: Greetings Green Brother

*** 3 stars for a good attempt at beating Jurassic Park to the punch and on a tight budget ($850,000) and an even tighter 10 week time schedule

Roll it

Next up we have Carnosaur 2... it's an Aliens gone dinosaurs ripoff in tomorrow's episode! Stay tuned!

09 June 2015

When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth

"Park's open bitches enjoy yo' selves, it's a party!"
It's hard to believe that almost 12 years ago The Park opened and for the first time ever, we saw the closest thing to real-life dinosaurs. Now the World will see Dinosaurs Rule the Earth once more. So with that, welcome to When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth week!
Yup that'll do.
Triceratops wins: Fatality

I'd like to go way back into dinosaur cinema, some cult dino flicks, maybe even a few dino games. But first why dinosaurs are near and dear to me

Dinosaurs were what got me on my path in the first place. It was the first epic Vs battle I would ever see in print. I scanned every book for some of dinosaur on dinosaur combat like the Triceratops squared up against a carnivore like the T-Rex, the gorier the picture the better. Later there would be a special dinosaur exhibit at a nearby science center with moving dinosaurs. This was a trend for some time, even seeing an exhibit once in Hawaii. At the time having a near scale T-Rex stare you down only to move and bellow at you was enough to make you want to bolt for the exit. Ah, good times. That said, the new dino for Jurassic World looks most interesting indeed. Take a peek:

Devil Dinosaur indeed...
Hey Marvel! Here's one you missed!
If that isn't a whole 20 feet of Genetically engineered Nope. I don't know what is. Oh wait, yes I do. A trio of movies called Carnosaur. These are up on the list, as well as some stop motion classics from the Harryhausen days. But Jurassic Park definitely set the bar that every film after it aspired (and often failed) to live up to. Capcom even attempted to cash in on the craze later with their dino-survival horror series Dino Crisis, both it and it's sequel were highly enjoyable (and highly beatable after a point like most of the Resident Evil series).
If ever there were a turning point in which dinosaurs became cool again and hit the mainstream, it would be thanks to Crichton's Jurassic Park.